A Woman's Guide To Saner Living

It's that time again, when you get to have a say in putting my blog, A Womans Guide To Saner Living, in the Wellshpere's top 100 health blog list. 

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Say it with heart

 
With the holiday season fast approaching, it's a good idea to have a satchel of tools at your disposal to  diffuse the stress and smooth out the crinkles in relationships.  A top tool in my satchel is what I call the Heartfelt I Statement.  It's elegant in its simplicity, although not always easy to implement without practice.  The basic idea is that we let go of telling others about themselves and stay focused on our own needs, desires, wants and feelings.  We put down the YOU and pick up the I.  Of course, this means a little work on our end.  We have to figure out what we want, what bugs us, how to ask for what we want and then ASK for it.  When the request is heartfelt, it means it comes directly from our hearts.  There is warmth or sincerity, sometimes both, attached to it. Like bread, hot out of the oven, it's hard to resist.  It conveys a desire to have our needs met, while considering the needs of others.  It's a win-win interaction.   When we allow our heart to be open, in a real way, simultaneously for our own needs and the needs of others, we create a flow of energy that holds both the I and YOU in a place of honor.  We transform the use of the word YOU, from that of blame or disappointment, which conveys "You don't measure up," and "You are responsible for my happiness" to a YOU based in respect, regard and reciprocity.  Heartfelt I Statements are truly a gift that keeps on giving.

For example:

I want a more relaxed Thanksgiving day and this is what I am thinking about.  What do you have in mind?

I understand we have always gone to your house for Thanksgiving and I have enjoyed that very much.  This year I want to propose a change.

I am sorry that you find this idea upsetting.  I have always enjoyed our Thanksgivings together and this year I will be out of town.  Let's find another time to have a Thanksgiving meal together, perhaps at a restaurant, where we can relax and spend some quality time together.

See how this is different from:

Why are you upset? We always have to do things your way.  You never think of my feelings. You make me so angry!!

Give it a try. Practice with a trusted person in a role play before you take on a more difficult situation. 

What I want for you is a Saner Holiday Season!

 

Heartfelt I Statement©
Graphic:  Chris Wucherer

Stay in your driver's seat this holiday season

The cusp of the holiday season is looming like a mac truck careening down the road, with some crazed driver behind the wheel, forcing us to drive faster and faster to avoid being overtaken.  Another way to avoid being overcome by this force on wheels is to weave from lane to lane to avoid collision, but this creates exhaustion, a sense of futility and a loss of control.  Halloween is barely over, there is candy to eat, pumpkins to put away and trick or treat memories to absorb, so they can be pulled out in some imagined future, "Do you remember when you dressed up as.........., that was so much fun," as a way to create life continuity. 

This morning's newspaper has stories about the stress of retailers to make their 'nut', or they MIGHT GO OUT OF BUSINESS.  The ads are starting for THE BEST DEAL, which can create anxiety, because what if the next BEST DEAL, is a better BEST DEAL.  The pull to focus on the Christmas/Hanukkah season is so intense that Thanksgiving can seem like a mere stepping stone to the BIG AFTER THANKSGIVING DAY SALE.  After all we must be ready for Christmas/Hanukkah at all costs. 

There is a saner way to 'BE' during the holiday season.  Put yourself in the driver's seat of your life by asking yourself, "What do I really want from the holidays?" "What is most important to me?"  It is sad to think of people being so frazzled by shoulds, musts, and 'we always did it this way' thinking that their own essential comforts and desires are left unmet.  It is possible to meet self-needs and the needs of others all at the same time.  It's not bad, just different. 

Here are some saner living tips to stay true to you during this crazy time:

                       

• Stay away from All or Nothing thinking
• Resist  agreeing to do something to avoid hurting someone's feelings
• Make a list of what you want personally and from your family and friends from the holiday season
• Make a list of how you want be with and give to the people you care about
• Be considerate of other's needs
• Develop awareness of  holiday 'shoulds'
• Remember there is no 'right way' to have a holiday
• Communicate your needs with heartfelt 'I' statements
• Take care of yourself the best you can, physically, spiritually and emotionally

If you play/work with these tips you can develop your own recipe for being in the driver's seat of your life this holiday season.  Me?  I'm going to be in a bright red car that will come when I call for it.  There will be a steaming hot cup of coffee in a cup holder, music playing and a GPS system that takes me to the desires of my heart.  The GPS is programmed with my needs and desires.  My car is sturdy enough to keep the ride smooth and quiet during turbulent, noisy routes.  It does not veer off my programmed route to detour through BEST DEALS, OTHER PEOPLE'S UNREASONABLE NEEDS or WE'VE ALWAYS DONE IT LIKE THIS.

If you start being proactive now, this could be a terrific holiday season for you and that would be delicious!

©

graphic: chris wucherer©

Original Faith: What Your Life Is Trying to Tell You

Paul Martin author of Original Faith: What Your Life Is Trying to Tell You has written a guest post for my blog.   As pre-winter winds blow and the sky turns gray, this very timely piece reminds us how important it is to look inward, find our deeper self and bring real meaning to our life.  While on a two-hour hike through the forest and on the shore of Lake Michigan yesterday, my creativity was flowing, like water through a faucet, and I made a vow to shift from 'exercising'  to 'create-ercising'. I was pleased to find that Paul refers to this in his post as receptive and creative capacity as noted by William Wordsworth.  Who knew?

Paul M. Martin writes with exceptional clarity about spiritual matters. His depth and breadth of first-hand experience allows him to speak compellingly to people across a wide range of perspectives on religion and spirituality.

Do You Stop to Ask Directions?

By Paul M. Martin

Goal setting, prioritizing, making choices, lists, decisions… these sorts of conscious and controlling mental processes are indispensable for our lives at home, school, and on the job. But we can end up feeling scattered and distracted – and even that we might be losing our way – when we don’t also make time for listening to ourselves.

The poet William Wordsworth referred to this receptive and creative capacity as “wise passiveness,” citing it as the frame of mind that allowed him to write poetry. But it’s something that all of us experience from time to time, and we can take steps to make it a regular part of our lives.

To begin with, notice how often your best ideas spring to mind unexpectedly – while out taking a walk, showering, on a long drive, or after you’ve gotten into bed before falling asleep. Although such experiences are spontaneous, it’s easy to do things to foster more of them. Some examples:

·         Walking

·         Jogging

·         Biking

·         Gardening

·         Arts & crafts

·         Meditation

·         “Medipration” – my mom’s term for a half hour of quiet, reflective time that she’d make for herself in the morning. She’d sit at the kitchen table before anyone else was up to sip coffee, look out the window, and be alone with her thoughts, sometimes with a little soft music in the background.

There are many possible activities to choose from. It’s a matter of finding something that engages your mind in a relaxing way that leaves your mind mostly to itself.

To set goals and make priorities that really make sense for us means keeping in touch with our deeper selves as a continual source of inspiration and insight. It’s finally a matter of being willing to receive as well as give direction for our lives.

Paul Martin has master’s degrees in counseling and religious studies and is author of Original Faith: What Your Life Is Trying to Tell You. Please visit www.originalfaith.com/ for more information on book and author and for Paul’s free eBook, Original Faith: Hard Times Handbook.

photo: chris wucherer

Reflections on Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October 3, 2009

Lying next to my peacefully sleeping husband early Sunday morning, I began my morning ritual of focused breathing and woke my slightly aching muscles up with some gentle stretching.  As my consciousness began to shift from the world of sleep to wakefulness, I decided to get up and take our dog, Yogi, for a walk.  Our walks usually take us through our quiet neighborhood, but this morning I felt an unmistakable pull to walk down a busier main road.  I tried to shake the feeling that it was important to take this alternative route to no avail, so at the end of my street, Yogi and I turned left rather than right and headed out for a long walk.  The road was quieter than usual, perhaps because it was Sunday morning, and folks were at church or luxuriating in bed or ensconced around the breakfast table eating wonderful breakfast goodies.  Having made a choice to leave my iPod at home, I was able to take in the sights, sounds and smells of an early fall Sunday morning.  A damp chill in the air nudged me to zip my jacket as my eyes were drawn to leaves beginning to turn bright orange and golden yellow.  Trees have a wonderful majesty to them and as I was pulling in the experience of an early fall morning, my eyes were drawn to a very old large tree.

October is a month that heralds a turning in towards oneself, a reminder that snow and ice are right around the corner and that introspection and reflection are good tools to utilize during long winter months, to help us emerge in the spring with more self-awareness.  October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month and as I took in the sight of this old tree, I thought about how this tree has become an important landmark in my life.

In the early morning hours of October 14, 2006, my daughter’s car hit this tree head on at a high rate of speed after she had been pursued by her ex-husband, who in his speeding van rammed her car multiple times until it hit the tree and rolled over.  He took off, leaving her for dead, not, I think, out of cowardice, but out of a desire for her to die.  Meanwhile, I was peacefully asleep in my bed at our lake house, unaware that my daughter’s life was in such perilous danger.  At 7 am the phone on the nightstand next to my bed rang, I picked up the receiver, put it next to my ear and heard my son’s voice relaying that my daughter was in the hospital.  The next few hours were surreal as my husband and I hurriedly packed and drove home.  Time seemed to slow even as my heart raced in my chest and I grappled with a sense of powerlessness too big to describe.

Miraculously, my daughter was going to be physically fine, but what would begin for her and her family (including us) was a two week ordeal of hiding, until the perpetrator was apprehended.  We moved from home, to hotels, to a small cottage, to an out of state location, to an in-state hotel.  Some of those days we were with my ex-husband, his wife, my daughter and her children, other days we were with just my daughter and her kids.  It was a frightening and confusing time. The six months after he was apprehended focused on the court proceedings, until he was ultimately sentenced to only two and one-half years in prison, with credit for six months served.  He will be released this October, to a half-way house, where he will have some education on Domestic Violence, which seems too little too late.

In October 2007, I made this sign and hung it on the tree.

This Sunday, as I Yogi and I came to this tree on our walk, I stopped and looked at it.  The large amount of bark that my daughter’s car peeled off of the tree is covered over with some black stuff, that I suppose is some sort of healing salve for the tree, yet it remains a stark reminder of what happened and what could have been.  Previously, the tree seemed to be a part of the danger, a large immovable object that could very well have killed my daughter on impact.  This year, I saw the wonderful old tree differently; she protected my daughter from further harm.  She stopped a horrific scene, forcing the car to stop, which allowed my daughter to crawl out the car window.  This morning, with Yogi’s leash in my hand, I stopped and gave thanks to the big old tree for being there.  I felt awash in gratitude for the steadfastness of this gnarly old thing that caught my daughter and gave her a new lease on life.

It’s ironic that this act of domestic violence took place in October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and that he will leave prison in the same month.  There may be some larger meaning to all of this, but right now it seems like some weird joke from the universe.

One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). An estimated 1.3 million women are physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year; 73% of violence victims are female.  There are 16,800 homicides and 2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.  One out of fourteen men has been physically assaulted by a cohabitating partner or spouse during their lifetime, with an estimated 835,000 men physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually. 

Domestic abuse is a national epidemic shrouded in silence for many complicated reasons; shame, fear of retribution, fear of blame. In fact, I had to push my way through all of these in order to write this piece. But silence only allows this problem to grow.  Let’s break the silence on this national epidemic of domestic violence; let’s call for prevention, promote safety of all people, demand offender sentences that fit the crime and offer rehabilitation when appropriate. 

 Here are some things you can do:

• Educate your self about domestic violence.
• Speak out at home and at work about what you have learned.
• Buy an empowerment necklace from Avon; proceeds go to domestic violence prevention.
• Buy a pair of shoes at any Marshalls store between October 1 and 15, 2009 and be a part of their Shop ’til It Stops program.

Let’s create a lot of noise in October for Domestic Violence Awareness!

Prevent, Prepare, Postpone -- when emotions threaten to overflow.....

When alerted by weather forecasts that rivers are entering a flood stage, communities take action to prevent water overflowing the river banks.  Community volunteers put sandbags on the river banks,  alternative driving routes are suggested and  residents are evacuated from homes lying in the flood plains.  If the flood warnings are ignored, water overflows the river banks and create havoc, leaving communities and families devastated.

Have you ever had a similar experience with emotions? Have you ever felt so upset that overwhelming confusion reigns and you begin talking gibberish or can't speak at all? This is called emotional flooding.  Adrenaline careening through your body causes your heart rate to rise and behavior can escalate to unhealthy and unproductive extremes.   The prefrontal cortex of the brain shuts down, so there is no logical mediating process in the brain to protect from destructive impulsive behavior.  When this happens people can say or do regrettable things or they shut down to avoid these unpleasant feelings. Some physical signs of flooding are:  throbbing head, shallow breathing, flushed face, pounding heart, dry mouth, a sinking feeling in the gut.

How do you protect yourself from emotional flooding? Try prevention first by recognizing potential triggers to upsetting emotional over-reactions.  In other words, what gets in your craw and makes you want to blow your stack?  Once you have awareness of these triggers you can strategically plan how to protect yourself and how to respond appropriately.  For those times that you get 'hooked' and over-react, take a break and do a physical activity, for example, go for a walk or lift something heavy, distract from the issue, breath deeply from the belly in and out through the nose, relax your muscles, talk your feelings through with a trusted friend, mentor, therapist or life coach.

There are many way to prevent over-reacting.  The best antidote is to know yourself really well, to understand what you need, want and desire and to live a life of integrity.

photo: c.wucherer

Do-Over Magic

Let's face it, communication can be messy business.  Putting thoughts, feelings and ideas into words and then communicating those words with an appropriate tone is not as easy as it seems. Throw in non-verbal behavior and we have quite a cocktail for misunderstanding, confusion and over-reaction.  When the topic is emotionally laden, the odds increase for misunderstanding and conflict. A good strategy to use is a Do-Over. A Do-Over is simply that, all parties agree to re-start the segment of the conversation that did not go well.

"That hurt my feelings, I would like a do-over".
"This conversation got off on the wrong foot, let's start over". 
"I didn't mean to say it that way, let me try again"

In most situations, each party is doing their best to communicate and be heard.  At times we can all get caught up in the need to be right, to need control, to vent our stress inappropriately, etc. In situations like this, try and let go of the need to blame the other person for mis-communicating and go for a do-over.  We all want to be heard and validated.  It is possible to really hear what the other person is saying and to validate their thoughts and feelings, while holding onto our own perspective.  With practice people learn from each other and often modify their position.

Ask Chris

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De-Cluttering For The Body And Soul

 As we go about our day, our body and soul acts like a microfiber cloth, picking up energetic residues of others.   We can get filled up with ideas for what other people should be doing, worry about people we care about, come up with fixes for the ills of society.  It can be a never ending list.  This outward focus can become so intense that our "I" literally never shows up.  Simply put, we forget about ourselves, we put ourselves last, or we outsource our happiness to others.  We can live by the motto, "if only she or he would do this or that or such and so, then I wouldn't be sad, angry or upset in any way."  It's important to find the 'sweet spot' between caring for others and caring for ourselves.  In the end, we are left with just us.  So if your energy is flung too far, reel it in some and find out who you are and what you want.  No-one can make us happy but ourselves.  Our kids getting into the best colleges, pleasing our bosses, solving other people's problems, or any other iteration of the other-focused syndrome will not, in the end, make us happy.  Our charge in life is to let go and truly live.  Find your 'sweet spot' and you will have more fulfilling relationships and have a happier life.  That's what I call Saner Living!

graphic: chris wucherer©

The Clouds They Are A'Comin'

 

With the arrival of fall, the clouds are moving in, and here in Michigan that can mean lots and lots of clouds.  It's a time of review and reflection, wondering what we've been up to and what new directions we may want to take.  The fall is a prelude to the hibernation time of winter, when we hunker down to face the early darkness and long stretches of cold. These seasons can be a challenge for many people who react strongly to less light with feelings of sadness, lethargy and negativity.  At a  minimum, we can feel we are 'down a few quarts' in our personal energy tank. It can be hard to remember that there is still light to be found, when on the surface things seem compellingly bleak.  So, how can one prepare for these seasons of pulling back and shutting down? The answer lies in the word prepare.  

Here are some Saner Living Tips:

Remind yourself that that all living things respond to seasonal changes, it's normal.
Slow down and enter the fall with deliberateness.
Develop a ritual to help you segue into the new season fully conscious and connected to the change.
Find your light, such as; getting together with family and friends, reading, writing in a journal regularly, winter sports, exercise, good food, cooking, inviting friends over for a movie night, working on a hobby, discovering a new hobby, being curious.......

How will you prepare for fall and winter?  Let others know how you approach the fall and winter seasons by using the comment feature.  I would love to hear from you.

Photo:  Chris Wucherer

Do You Have A Top 10 List?

I was surfing the net this morning and came across a list of the top 10 blogs on a site that blogs about blogs.  It's true, really, there are sites that blog about blogs.  I am sure this top 10 list of the best blogs are different from another person's or site's take on the top 10 blogs. I mean who decides this anyway?  Besides thinking about the validity of such a claim, I wondered why humans are so drawn to categorization.  I admit I was intrigued by the list and was drawn in to read about the different sites, until I became aware that most of the sites would not be on my top 10 blog list, if I had one, which I don't.  

People seem to have a deep need to categorize things.  It's not hard to come across claims of the top 5 secrets to weight loss or a top 10 list to become the best person ever, etc.  Of course, people have personal ways of categorizing themselves as well, for instance, "I am the stupidest person ever'' or "I am not as clever as other people", or "I always come in last" or for the egoists in the crowd, "I am the best, cleverest, smartest person ever".

We are all looking for 'the formula' for transformation, and these lists are seductive.  They pull for us to ask questions such as, "am I on the list?, can I get on the list?, if I accomplish the steps on the list will I be happier or more spiritual?"  Having said this, I am glad to be listed in three separate top 100 lists for best blogs, it means that someone thinks and feels that my content is interesting and that is good feedback.

If categorizing and making top number lists are comforting in some way, then I suggest that people also make their own individual lists based on their own needs, desires, life circumstances.  Keep it personal and use other people's lists as guidelines.  If it's not pertinent to you, if it doesn't fit like a glove or make sense in your soul, then it's not your list.